Understanding and Setting Healthy Boundaries

When you think of “boundaries,” what comes to mind? Is it keeping distance from someone? Or does it involve a situation that seems out of control? Does it sound too harsh? Or is this concept too simplified for the complexity of your relationships? Maybe you accidentally find yourself overly using it in situations that are not warranted. It’s no surprise that setting boundaries can be challenging, as every situation that a person faces is unique and personal. Boundaries deal with rules, limits and expectations that you set for yourself in your relationships. If you haven’t experienced setting boundaries, it can seem overwhelming at first. But as time progresses, and you learn more about your values, it’ll get easier and more empowering with practice.

Within your self-reflection journey, it’ll be helpful to address the familiar ““Who, what, where, when, why and how” questions:

• Who should you set boundaries with?
• Why should you set them?
• When would you set these boundaries?
• What rules or expectations are you going to communicate?
• Where are you going to set these boundaries?
• How are you going to communicate your rules, limits and expectations?
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Boundary Styles

Boundaries usually fall on a spectrum of styles ranging from “porous”, to “healthy” and “rigid”.

• Porous boundaries mean that a person has a hard time saying “No” to favors and requests. Saying “No” can be difficult for someone raised to always put others before themselves. This is  quite common among cultural and religious influences. Also, sometimes people with compromised self-esteem levels may struggle with porous boundaries, as they may want to seek acceptance and approval from others. One of the benefits with this style is that you maintain intimacy and close relationships with the people you are serving. The question you may wonder is…but at what cost? That depends. Many times our needs and wants often get neglected. For example, constantly serving your loved one in different ways may compromise the need to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. Some situations where it is not uncommon to have porous boundaries include being a full-time caregiver, being identified as the matriarch for your family or meeting work demands by constantly working overtime.
  
  Porous boundary styles can look like this:
  - “I had another compromise at 5 pm but I’ll cancel it to continue working.”
  - “I’ll skip going to the gym to help you cook for your party.”
  - “Yes, we can shop the entire day to help you look for your dress. I’ll reschedule my doctor’s appointment for later this month.”
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• Healthy boundaries deal with less resistance in saying “No” to others’ requests, especially when it compromises your needs and wants. This boundary style maintains a healthy balance of being open to your intimate relationships and experiences while preserving your well-being. For example, people who achieve a good work-life balance are often known to have healthy boundaries at work.
  
  Healthy boundary styles can include the following:
  - “I hope you understand if I choose not to attend every event.”
  - “I need you to play on your own for some time.”
  - “Unfortunately, I can’t agree to this.”
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• Rigid boundaries deal with maintaining distance from others. While this style of boundary offers emotional protection and predictability, it can prevent you from engaging in meaningful relationships and new experiences. Rigid boundaries can develop from previous hurts. It can be used as a defense mechanism to prevent any kind of rejection or “let-down.” Other times, rigid boundaries are exactly what is needed to prevent further emotional abuse or physical harm.
  
  Some rigid boundary styles deal with the following:
  - “I’m never going out to eat with my co-workers. It’s just a waste of time and money.”
  - “I have to stay away from him. If he comes back, it could put my life at risk.”
  - “I’m so happy with my spouse being my best friend. So why bother making any other friends?”

Keep in mind that your boundary style relies heavily on your values and can widely vary depending on the situation. For example, some people gladly tend to be more porous when prioritizing their family and sacrificing most of their time and energy for them. When it comes to situations and people, it can also look very different. For instance, the boundaries that you place with family may not be the same boundaries that you set at work.

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Types of Boundaries
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• Emotional boundaries deal with how you communicate and protect your feelings. One way we tend to do this is by being reserved with our emotions when getting to know someone and then opening up after getting to know them more.
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• Physical boundaries deal with your preferences regarding physical touch and personal space. For instance, some people are not comfortable hugging acquaintances or some people find it normal to greet with a kiss on the cheek.
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• Intellectual boundaries deal with how you choose to communicate your thoughts and ideas with others. This can include someone choosing to refrain from communicating their thoughts on politics with a specific crowd of people. Instead, the person may reserve the discussion of their viewpoints among close friends that can respectfully disagree.
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• Sexual boundaries are how you express yourself sexually. Maybe it entails examining your comfortability level with kissing on a first date or reflecting on how often you want to have sex with your partner.
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• Material boundaries explore how you choose to use your belongings and money. For example, it’s so easy to get caught up on an impulse buy at the mall when someone wants to sell you a product. You can simply say “No, thank you.” A more challenging material-related boundary may deal with saying “No” to a family member that constantly asks for money.
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• Time boundaries revolve around how you spend and plan out your time. Your time is more important than ever as the world becomes increasingly demanding. Some questions to consider may include how often you would limit your social outings on a weekly basis. Or examining what days and times you would like to focus on self-care.
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Tips to Practice Boundary-Setting
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1. Take some time to journal out your limits and expectations about a situation and how you would want to communicate it to that person.
2. Practice in front of a mirror simply saying “No” a few times a day.
3. Rehearse boundary-related statements such as “Well I cannot do this but I can do this instead,” “I disagree,” “I have a lot going on at the moment and will need to reschedule,” “No, thank you,” or “I prefer it this way.”
4. Rehearse healthy non-verbals when communicating boundaries. Practice making eye contact, standing up straight, and speaking clearly.
5. After you have implemented the boundary, take some time to reflect on the things you were proud of and some things you could have done better.

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In all, boundaries matter and are vital to your personal growth and well-being. While it can be hard to implement them at first, there is no doubt that it is worthwhile in the long-run. Many people attest to greater levels of confidence, self-awareness and empowerment. If you don’t know what your boundaries are for each and every situation, that’s completely ok! All it takes is continuing to learn more about yourself, rehearsal and practice. So keep at it! :)