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Grieving and Mourning: How to Cope with a Loss
Grieving a loved one is a personal, non-linear process. This blog explores the stages of grief, the importance of both grieving and mourning, and how to move forward while honoring your loss.
The Grieving Journey
One of the most difficult life events that we come across is experiencing the death of a loved one. When trying to heal from a major loss, we notice that our grief has no specific timeline and that there is no simple process of just “moving on.” Instead, grief ends up being a long, winding journey that can be described by a number of stages. These stages don’t necessarily have to occur in a neat, simple, or chronological order. One day, we may find ourselves being at a loss for words and in a complete state of shock. Another day, we may notice that we are starting to accept the loss but can’t help asking ourselves why it even happened. While some days can seem “ok” and manageable, other days can be very challenging to the point of even physically getting up out of bed. Below are the typical stages of grief:
- Denial/shock
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Avoidance Behaviors and ways to overcome them
Due to the intensity of grief, it should come as no surprise that our natural inclination tends to deal with wanting to avoid the emotional pain at all cost. For most of us, facing our grief can seem too daunting of a task. The memories of our loved one have the potential to flood our minds and bring deep yearning and sorrow. Some people find it easier to escape the intensity of grief with constant distraction or by trying to forget all associated memories. This can help temporarily pause the cycle of grief but in the long-run, if avoidance behaviors continue, our grief can end up intensifying much more and get increasingly complicated. When engaging in avoidance behaviors, it’ll be helpful to pause and reflect on how this hinders the remembrance of our loved one. Isn’t the reason why we can’t stop our grief in the first place is because of how much our loved one meant to us and how much they impacted our lives?
To help with our healing journey, it’ll be important to acknowledge our loved one’s life and legacy. For example, what would we want to say about our loved one’s life?…Their personality, character, accomplishments, sphere of influence and overall legacy? … Or what if we had a more complicated relationship with our loved one? Perhaps there were unresolved things that occurred before they passed. Perhaps the relationship with them involved a lot of emotional hurt, trauma or even abuse. Whether it’s to honor our loved one, or work towards our own inner healing and restoration, it is still vital to be attentive to our grieving and mourning process.
Grieving and Mourning
The terms “grief” and “mourning” are often and mistakenly used interchangeably. Grief is defined as a normal response to losing a loved one. The way we respond with our grief can be divided into four categories: Emotions, Physical Sensations, Thoughts and Behavioral Responses.
- Emotions may include guilt, yearning, regret, shock, denial, irritability, sadness, despair, confusion, or numbness.
- Physical Sensations may include trembling, panic attacks, chest pains, nausea, or headaches.
- Thoughts may include phrases such as “Why did this happen?”, “If only,” forgetfulness or suicidal ideation.
- Behavioral Responses may include overeating, eating less, withdrawal, isolation, missing appointments, increased alcohol intake, or verbally lashing out.
On the other hand, mourning is defined as the expression of our grief. There are many different ways to mourn and it can vary depending on religious customs, cultures and rituals that we’ve been exposed to. A common misconception with mourning is that it solely focuses on intentionally expressing our reaction to the loss in a deep, sorrowful way. Depending on what stage of grief we’re experiencing, there might be mourning rituals where celebration and even laughter is involved. The frequency of mourning can also vary. Some people may initially mourn for a few weeks and then every few months to then yearly. Also, some people may choose to mourn independently or with others. Below are some examples of mourning:
- Wearing black clothes for an entire year
- Attending a funeral service
- Attending a celebration of life service
- Spreading your loved one’s ashes at their favorite scenic place (e.g. beach, park, monument)
- Wearing a trinket in honor of your loved one
- Visiting your loved one’s favorite hangout spot or restaurant
- Coming together as a family to share stories of your loved one during the holidays
- Writing a letter to your loved one
- Hanging up an ornament for your loved one
- Celebrating your loved one’s birthday
When considering the differences between grief and mourning, one may ask which one may be better to engage in…. In effort to not experience the consequences of avoidance, it would be in all of our best interest to grieve and mourn at our own pace and timing. If we try to overwhelm ourselves with facing the intensity of grief all at once, that wouldn’t be healthy either. So let’s make an effort to start slow, little by little, and eventually get to a place where we feel comfortable acknowledging to ourselves and others (when we feel ready to) about this loss. Vulnerability is key along with being compassionate with ourselves.
Moving Forward
In all, there is no step-by-step instruction manual for grief and mourning. It’ll look different for each and every one of us, as it should be…due to the fact that we each have different life experiences with different types of losses. Let’s feel encouraged with the idea of trying not to “move on” but instead, “move forward.”